The Last Words
by emillywinter
Summary: After losing the final fight Izaya has also lost the will to be alive. There is just one last thing that he needs to say, not that Shizuo will ever hear it; three simple words never spoken before. Shizaya, COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

Shizu-chan,

I have always been a coward that couldn't speak the truth or lay out the contents of my heart. So, you need to understand that I wouldn't be writing this if it wasn't too late.

Even now when you are miles away somewhere on the familiar streets of now foreign city to me, the city I have once called home, it still hurts the mere thought of you ever reading these words, reading this lines, knowing; but, even if you were ever to read them I would be nothing but a cold corpse in a morgue with the unknown name tag on my leg. Perhaps then, it wouldn't hurt to take in the air that is so far from the one that you are breathing. And then, when I am nothing but a distant memory, a bitter image of an unimportant thing that once existed in your life, I could bring you a little bit of happiness. Again, for a coward like me it is all I can give you, so I am saying my goodbyes even if you won't ever hear them.

There is only one thing left that I need to say, even if I am painfully aware that my life means a little to you and that it is enough for you that I am simply not there remaining you of my existence.

The pills will soon take its effect and I still need to say it, at least once. Then, I will close my eyes for the last time.

Even if I know this, I still can't kill the one last piece of hope that somehow they will open just once more in order to look into the warmth of your stars and to find your smile; not that it will ever happen. You will never look at me with anything but hate. And that would be enough, if you would chase just one more time after me. The worst thing is that I still feel the despair of that last bit of hope that somehow, somewhere you would care if I did things differently.

Even if you don't want it, and even if you say that I don't have one, my heart has always been yours.

 _I love you._

Your Flea.


	2. Chapter 2

...

I was lying on something soft and I could hear the beeping sound filling the silence around me. Then, I gently opened my eyes and I could already see that I was in a hospital room. Someone was standing beside me and another look in that person's face told me that it was no one other then Shinra. I was looking in his eyes that were hidden by the glasses. However, even they couldn't hide the sadness that was lurking behind them.

"Why are you here?" I asked because I wasn't really sure why he would after everything stand here by my side in this room.

"Because even after everything I'm still your friend."

"Why I am here?" I asked the question even though I wasn't certain that this was not just a dream or some elaborate joke that God played with me. I was perfectly prepared to die since the life lost every point. I was no one, had no one, and HE couldn't even hate me properly. Really, I was fine with the hate, as long as it was the strongest emotion that he felt. But now, there was just the emptiness in his heart, not even a pity. So, what was the point then in being even alive?

"A cleaning lady has found you and called 911. I am still on your emergency contact list so they have called me. Honestly, I didn't believe them...but, when I saw the letter..." I could see that the words have failed him as what was written on that paper wouldn't be something that he would ever expect to hear... But I needed to know...

"Where is it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The letter, Shinra. Where is it?"

"Not here."

"What did you do?"

"I sent it to him."

I could hear his words loud and clear as they were passing through the air with such intensity that million thoughts crossed my mind...but the worst was humiliation, as he wasn't ever supposed to find out.

 **...**

Even if I feared that somehow Shizuo will come thought that hospital door and even if I half expected that, or even if I hoped that that will happen just to see his eyes one more time, nothing really changed. Perhaps, that disappointment was the reason why Shinra managed so easily to persuade me that I should come back to my old life. But really, I was a devastated mess, just a shell of person that I used to be; unable to pretend that everything was all right. How hard it would be to persuade me into anything?

Days went thru, and at moments I even doubted that crazy doctor actually sent the stupid letter; however, that all changed one Saturday evening when I heard knock on my apartment's door.

Not many people knew that I was back, it was just Shinra really; perhaps Celty, as that doctor couldn't keep a secret from her even if he wanted to; and somehow I understood that me being here was an unimportant fact that didn't really need to be hidden, at least in his mind. So, when the knock came I didn't think twice of how it might not be Shinra knocking in order to check if I was still bathing in misery.

At first I thought that my eyes were playing tricks with me and that it was impossible to see what I was seeing. Worm brown eyes were looking at me. There wasn't any hint of anger in them; just something that I couldn't read. His hand was clenching a small peace of paper that was wrinkled beyond repair. I have barely recognized it. It was a letter that I have written.

"Is this a joke?" he said half hoping that it wasn't, half dreading that it was.

"No."

I could feel my cheeks heating to the point of melting. But, there wasn't any reason for hiding; not anymore. I was already aware that those words couldn't change a thing even if he knew it was a truth. I was simply unimportant piece stuck in the past that didn't have any purpose in his new life.

"Why?"

"Why, what, Shizu-chan?"

"Why didn't you say anything before?"

"..."

I didn't really want to answer any of the questions. It was humiliating, shameful even; all in all painfully embarrassing to talk about those things as they were facts about current weather. I turned my back to him. It was easier not to watch those eyes; not to let them see what was hidden in the place that was called my soul.

"You know..." he started "If I knew earlier many things would be different."

"I was Ok with how things were." I said. It hurt saying it and even more, it hurt to think about those sleepless night that lead me to writing those words, but at least I could pretend that I was ok, even for a moment; just a little while longer. I really am a selfish coward.

"No, it was not Ok. You know, perhaps you were right, saying that I was stupid. I should have known that there was something beneath all those things that you did. But, I have never been a person who allowed himself to hope too much."

"What are you talking about?" I still haven't turned back to him. I didn't want to face him.

"You say that you have always loved me. I loved you, as well."

My eyes were filling with wet water. Tears run though my cheeks, but I still couldn't believe it, or turn around, or move, or breathe, or really do anything. I was rooted on my floor and I stood still as an unmoving statue.

"Please, look at me."

He took my hand in his and gently pulled me around. I looked up meting his eyes. I could lose myself in that shine that have always reminded me of a sky with million stars painted on it. His fingers were tracing wet lines on my face erasing them. He moved closer, and I could feel his breath on me. The fingers moved lower touching my lips. He smiled.

That was the moment when I thought that I was dead, and that somehow, somewhere I ended up in this beautiful dream that was all I have ever wanted. And, it didn't really matter. He was here, saying that I mattered all along; and even if it was all a lie I was ready to believe anything just for one kiss, one contact between ourselves.

He moved closer linking our lips together. He was kissing me and I felt so hungry for him, desperate even. I didn't ever want to let go afraid that it will all go away, disappear, and that I will break when I wake up. Perhaps, this was my Hell, and I was dead all along. Perhaps the devil played with me, gave me everything that I have always wanted, just to take it away.

His tongue was licking my lips, moving inside, and I moved my arms around him, pulled him closer; I wanted to feel him, hear his heart; I want to know that it was all real.

I started to unbutton his west, peeling of his bowtie, unbuttoning his shirt. Then, he stopped and looked at me.

I was shivering so hard that I though I will die if he would to disappear now.

"Hey, we don't have to do this..." his ruff voice pulled me back into the reality. "We can take things slow."

"No. I waited ten years for this. I want everything now; no more waiting." And, I moved towards him, linking his lips with mine once again.


	3. Chapter 3

**...**

I connected our lips once again. The shivering didn't stop; my whole body was shaking with need. Without the consent, my hands moved around his body hugging him, pulling him closer. My heartbeat was so laud that I could hear it echoing around the room. I wandered if Shizuo could hear it. Probably, as I could feel Shizuo's heart raging against layers of our skin.

God, did that heart beat for me just as my own was beating for him?

He was kissing me so slowly, yet so hard with the bruising force that only those lips could have. Yes, I loved that man; I loved him more than the life itself; And, I would do everything again, put up with every painful scar again and again if that meant that things would lead to this. And all the years that were wasted weren't important; we were locked in this moment with lips connected, tongues touching, teeth puling on other's mouth.

Clothes were removed until we stood naked and proud, stupidly smiling with love in our eyes. In the entire world we could see only each other; always have, always will.

"Please" Shizuo's shaky voice broke the science. It was ruff and laced with so much emotion that it was beautiful, like a song that birds sang when no one was there to listen.

"Please" he repeated "Don't hurt your self ever again. I wouldn't want to live in this world without you. Promise me." he asked; he demanded that he would never have to exist without me. And, I would never want to exist without him either.

"I promise, Shizu-chan."

I took his hand and pulled him down on the carpeted floor. The softness of the rug was touching my naked back as the man that I loved hovered above me. He traced wet kisses down my chest moving lower until he stopped in order to put his own fingers in his mouth.

I looked at him, and I could see him; the entire him; strong and beautiful, gentle and harsh, angry and loving, hot and yet so innocent... He was simply perfect.

My dick was painfully hard leaking since the moment when he touched my lips for the first time and I desired him so badly that it almost hurt. I glanced at him, his naked body and proud erection between his legs. God, that will go inside me and I wanted it; I wanted him more then I wanted the air.

Finger was circling around my entrance, playing with its rim, burning my skin wherever it touched until it moved inside me pushing lightly, slowly as if I was precious, important to him enough not to hurt me.

And then it hit me. I could recall distant chasings, distant fights that were nothing more then memories. If he really wanted me dead for all those years I would be dead. He had held back, just like I was holding back; at least until that night when we went all out in order to kill or to be killed; not wanting to live without the other at our sides. I smiled.

"More..." and he put another finger inside moving it in and out. He could never hurt me for real and all the broken bones hurt less than his goodbye that he said that night. Yes; I couldn't live without him and if he would to leave me or disappear I would gladly take the coward's way out. After all, I am one.

He pulled his fingers out; it had to be enough for the both of us; as we both wanted to merge into one as soon as possible.

His hard cock was pouncing thru me, stabbing me, opening me up for him, and it hurt being ripped apart like that but it was nothing in comparison to the hurt that I felt loving him when I thought that he didn't love me back. I smiled again. The intensity and heat that was buried inside me was so huge and even if it hurt it still felt great; being filled up by the one who I loved.

He pushed his entire length until he was bolls deep inside me. Thru my watery eyes I could see the expression of love painted on his face. _So, this is how it feels being loved?_

He pulled a bit and slammed again inside; hard and slow with everything that he had without holing back.

My voice left me and I moaned rather loudly. It felt good.

"So good, Shizu-chan..."

His every thrust was more intense then the other and it was filling me with warmth that was collecting inside me, slowly; and it was more great than anything else that I have ever felt.

In and out; God, he was fucking me so good; making me his as if I didn't belong to him already.

His fingers closed around my dick and he was jerking me in time with his thrusts. And, I moaned again and again with his name on my lips; a silent promise that I would never leave him. And he was pushing inside me again and again, bearing my soul naked for him to see, to look at as he was promising the same.

Skin was slapping skin and there weren't any of those painful sensations in me anymore; the intense pleasure and love were all I could feel as he was moving inside me.

Hands moved on my back pulling me closer to him, and he was embracing me; holding me; and I held him back with all the strength I could muster; never wanting to let go.

The thrusts were even stronger now; still painfully slow but more then enough to make the bubble inside me increase to the point of exploding. I imagined that it was the same for him, as he started to moan my name whispering how much he loved me.

I was close. The kiss that he planted on my lips as he was coming inside me was more then enough to send me over the edge. I still hadn't closed my eyes yet.

"Shizuo?" I called his real name and that must have awoken him from the slumber of desire that was lulling him into incoherent thoughts.

"Yes?"

It was my opportunity to say to him those three words that I thought that I wouldn't ever get the chance to say; and the world stood still in that moment.

" _I love you_."


End file.
